After all my tuttering about and anxiety, I’m ready to admit, it was all for nothing. My online research and previous history (ya know that long ass one having to do with my Mother) had led me down some dark avenues that made me fear the worst and honestly for no real good reason. There are however a few good reasons to not worry, suck it up and accept that at least for the near future some heavy duty pain meds are part of the plan.
Reason A: The old formula that I’ve seen too many people fall for has been completely replaced since I last….erm…was around the kind of people who might abuse them in the first place (my mother being an exception of course, but only because….well she’s my mom). Leave it to having kids, moving out of the big city and becoming too sick to stay in touch with the party crowd at all to fall out of the loop with that sort of news. While it was never my scene personally (fully admitting to being a complete and utter stoner throughout high school though, green meant go) I’ve seen the damage it can do, and with current recovering addicts in our family/close friend circle it’s nice to know its been replaced.
Reason B: My doctor and the pharmacist made some very good points about pain. Being in pain isn’t good for your health. I really don’t have the mental capacity to get into it at the moment but stress is bad. Pain of any kind is stressful on the body. The likelihood of me kicking lupus and/or whatever else is going on in my fucked up body’s ass while my body is in this much constant pain and stress is really unlikely. That’s not even starting to cover how much of an impact pain has emotionally and mentally over the long run. Honestly it was a perspective I wasn’t thinking about. Maybe because I was being an ass-hat and trying to cope with and self manage pain. I’ve been concentrating so hard about what I’m putting into my body, I’ve been ignoring what harm I might be doing to it by trying to avoid taking something.
Reason C: Starting slow really is starting slow (20mg x2). I knew that I wasn’t going to be taking home a morphine drip and that both the good and bad sides of complete bliss would be still far from reach but I also witnessed first hand how out of it my mom was when she was in the worst of her arthritis flares and her meds would kick in. Note, this wasn’t later on when addiction took over, or at least not when it was at it’s worst. Just when she was well medicated for a very severe pain that had her legitimately bed ridden for a lot of my earlier childhood. While I understand more than a lot of healthy people can the need for pain relief, my experiences also give me a unique resolve to not want to impart the same kind of memories onto my own children. The fact that I’ve been on IR narcotics short term on and off over the past without trouble and with decent relief means that starting slow might not result in immediate relief in the first week or two, I should be pretty darn level headed through the whole thing. Unless I down a glass of wine or two… but then as we know, that’s the Merlots fault (yes I’ve been through that with the pharma-dude as well, careful moderation I believe was the term used as long as no negative side effects are being felt).
Finally reason D: It does fuck all, so right now I only have to worry about being a crazy grumpy bitch. Obviously I was aware it was a possibility, but did kind of expect… something. At this point the minuscule relief from round the clock T3s are still better, and dirt cheap I might add (so who knows in the end if increasing dose is an economic option… even with our very good prescription coverage, this new one is a little pricey even at this smaller dosage). While it is frustrating that there isn’t the relief that was hoped for when finally giving in, it also means that any nasty side effects (mental or physical) were avoided as well at a smaller dose. This makes me hopeful that possible increases or other narcotic options that are similar might be viable options with little drawbacks. Then again this could just be me trying to find the positive here…
Bonus reason E:By this weekend we should receive a little package in the mail containing a mini safe. The perfect little spot to store my now giant collection of pharmaceuticals. Most of them completely useless to the average Joe, but still harmful if ingested in large doses. While their high up safe spot has worked well over the past, the kids are only getting older and we can’t watch them or the space every second. The peace of mind both Mr. Mango and I will have knowing everything will be locked away from any accidental or purposeful misuse seems pretty relieving in its own way.