The trying to stay positive front is just that… a front. A fake smile to cover the chaos that is whooshing around in back inside my head. Even under the best CURRENT circumstances this week as memory hits hard for our family and every year, more crap that my brain just doesn’t seem to want to process just keeps getting tacked on.
I feel horrible that Little Dudes birthday is feeling more like a duty and chore that we have to muddle through than enjoy and celebrate. I feel sorry that his special day from the moment he was born has been surrounded by mayhem and negativity.
In order to protect him from all that, at least from my part in it…. I get today as always. To mourn the loss of my cousin, to try and process whatever the fuck information I’ve been getting from the doctors this particular year (because venting with my family at the moment is a no go), to be able to deal with the emotional trauma that the Easter season brings up and what ever else needs to come out. So that tomorrow we can try to enjoy all the positive things this week has to offer the best we can.
The thing is, grief and pain don’t work like that, panic and anxiety don’t work like that, emotional trauma doesn’t work like that. I can try the best I can to fit my problems into a neat little box when the time comes that it’s inconvenient to show it… but that’s no different than me trying to shove my lupus in the closet when we have a big night out planned. It’s not going to work very well… and truth be told, sometimes it’s actually going to make it a whole lot worse.
What I can do is promise that whether or not I’m sad or upset that the loss of my cousin still hits hard I’m going to enjoy making my son’s birthday cake. Even if I’m worried about what my future holds and how it’ll effect my family by this time next year, I’m going to watch Little open his presents and take photos of that big goofy grin as he sequels with surprise. Even though Easter and me have a dark past it’s not going to stop me from enjoying every moment of watching the 3 rugrats scuffle about trying to find their bright coloured eggs filled with goodies.
I really don’t know how I’ve already mentally gotten through half the week already, but I have. This next half is busier, but definitely has the better parts to it and whether it wants to or not my brain is going to put up with making it through.