Treading water through a massive lake of depression wasn’t bad enough, dawn was rising and a shore line was in sight. Of course as soon as the grips of despair seem to loosen that is when anxiety took it’s hold and pulled me under. Not just the daily strain of general anxiety gnawing away in the background. That unfortunately seems to be back as a constant symptom and/or companion of insomnia, increased physical pain and stress. No, I mean my gut wrenching, terror inducing panic disorder that is back with a vengeance.
Oh yea did I mention, in the middle of all of this mental hell, Mr. Mango’s Mom (yea I think I have to make a tongue twister with that one some time…) stopped by to keep me ‘company’ over the weekend. I’ve had my hands full acting healthy-ish (physically and mentally) while spending my first stretch of time in 10 years alone with the woman.
Now there’s two things I have to set straight. First, out of all of our family, she’s probably the most compassionate towards my physical conditions. She’s done her googling based on what she’s been told about my lupus, neuropathy and IBS and she’s genuinely concerned with my well-being ( I know, a rarity with mother in laws). Second, she’s actually a really rad-ass woman. Ideally under non stressful circumstances we get along really well and enjoy a lot of the same things including cooking, crafts, movies, music and making fun of her son(s). Had I been born in the 60’s like I should have been… we could have grown up besties… other than the fact that I’m a pot smoking liberal that throws around the F bomb like it’s rice at a big gay wedding and she’s an immigrant hating conservative that thinks cigarettes won’t cause cancer, but aspartame is the devil… ya know just the small stuff.
Now that she’s gone (as of yesterday afternoon) I have 3 little tykes hyper on Grandma-time and a brain that is letting loose all of what I was holding in while she was here. I’m lucky, considering how unstable I’ve felt that I was able to hold it in with her here 24 hours a day and no one else to mediate if I need to take a moment (or a few) to get my shit together. At the same time, it’s no different than with a physical illness and pushing through the pain too much. You pay for it afterwards!
I know I’d feel better if I sat an enjoyed the sunlight (with my fucking SPF on, I know) or got in my physio so maybe I can move tomorrow. Honestly I just feel like crawling into a dark corner and letting the waves of panic wash over as they please, I just don’t have the energy to fight it anymore right now. I made it through the invasion, but I don’t have energy to fight another battle of a different kind.