It’s been a couple of dreary, boring, long-ass days here in the Mango household. One might assume that this may have something to do with the man of the house being off on a business adventure in Toronto… but apart from not having another soul above the age of 10 to speak to in person and the lack of lump snoring next to me late at night it’s not having much of a negative effect.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy and in a lot of ways I do really enjoy having him around but I guess we just haven’t yet reached the amount of time it takes for me to miss all the good parts yet. Too bad too… since it probably would have worked out in his favour tonight as he strolls through the door with a bag of dirty clothes (for me to wash) and an empty stomach (for me to feed) if I were to be all yearning and burning loins.
Maybe it would be different if we didn’t live in the age of cell phones and social media. Constant check ins, chat icons, texts and phone calls on conference breaks… I swear I’ve heard more from my dear counterpart in the last 3 days than some weekends we spend together within an arms length of each other.
I’ve spent an awful amount of time recently thinking about the state of Mr. Mango (so I’ve cooled off enough to use his in-blog name again… its a step) and I’s relationship and how my illness(es) can/will/do play a certain role in possible codependency going on. That there will always be some sort of bias present where I NEED him around simply because I can never be the fiercely independent mama-jama I was meant to be if I were only healthy. Meaning he or I could always wonder if under different circumstances (my physical health) I would stay with him or not or at least if our family dynamic may be drastically different.
He knows for a fact I’ve left a man, event though he was the father of my first child, before for lets just say being a less than an ideal partner (something not worth getting into) and I never regretted it for a minute. He knows I’m a particularly stubborn person when it comes to how I and those around me are treated. He knows that who I am as a person, as a female as a creative, artsy-fartsy, bisexual, left handed, liberal and my strong, driven personality were all supposed to be part of the package deal.
Honestly I do spend a great deal of time justifying my feelings of being hurt, confused and being less than myself in our relationship now ‘because he has to deal with a lot due to my illness’. I’ve never stopped to think that maybe I’m not the one who’s acting codependent here, at least not when the term is used to describe something emotionally unhealthy or dysfunctional. In point of fact my illness has benefited the Mr. quite a bit in terms of how much extra effort I put in to try and make up for my shortcomings due to it. I also keep relatively quiet and dutiful about becoming more of a cook, maid and nanny than a lover to a full grown man-child that has taken full advantage if you ask me (apart from complaining that we don’t ‘do it’ enough…).
As I type I realize it’s no wonder I don’t really miss him much. With him updating me on the goings on at his conference, what he’s been eating and his random Facebook tags on everything that comes to his mind, the only thing really changed is that his maid service is taken over by the Hilton hotel and he’s experiencing take-out instead of dine in…I simply have less house work to do…not something I really miss.
He sure misses me though and I don’t think it’s just because I pick up his dirty socks or make him his favourite meals on demand. His dependency (and/or love is what I’d call it if I was in a less shitty mood) runs deeper and at the very least that gives me a little bit of hope. It would be foolish to think that the time away will change anything on his end just because he got a little lonely, but who knows. I do know that it has definitely given me some perspective I wasn’t expecting.
This really wasn’t the direction I thought this post would take… at all. Not that I knew where it was headed in the first place I just felt I needed to ramble… so ramble on I did. Now that it’s taken a turn in an unexpected direction, I think I have a lot more to ponder in the few hours I have left until my spouse-like duties resume.
Who knows maybe he can be convinced to take the next longer conference trip since I’ve proven myself capable enough of not dying while he’s away… All for the sake and health of our relationship of course…