I could lie and say I’m in an emotionally better place than after Valentine’s day and the Mr. and I’s anniversary but I’m not going to do that. The mental fuckery that is playing games in my head space is definitely a part of it but the home dynamic, family stress and my ‘lost evening’ this past weekend all contribute to really turbulent time right now.
That all being on top of the achy hell my body is in due to my dumb-ass decision to lower my Planquenil dose before getting the OK from ANY of my doctors. This being after some extensive reading on the possible side effects hydroxychloroquine can have. My doctors have been so gung-ho to get my gut stuff figured out (don’t get me wrong I’m thankful that they’re working on it), the muscle weakness, tingling, burning, WTF… has kind of gone on the back burner. That doesn’t meant it isn’t a concern, though.
Clearly Planquenil hasn’t been a miracle drug for me (honestly in the past it’s lack of working well has made me double my diagnosis simply because it works well for so many others caught in the early stages of disease). Even at 200mg daily there has never been a marked decrease in pain, fatigue, stiffness or other symptoms (at least not for longer than a day or two, not long enough to be considered the end of a flare or start of remission). So I took it upon myself to decide to lower the my dosage. Mainly to see if it really was causing a drug induced myopathy (in which case reversing it asap would be important) but also I think somewhere in me there was the tiny question of is it actually doing anything positive at all (not just the nausea, weakness and blegh feeling).
Three weeks later…
Achy, weak, tingly muscles no different….achy, stiff and swollen joints much, much worse. Just when I almost had myself convinced “hey maybe those fuckers got it wrong.” Nope… I they got it right, I still happened to have Lupus and the drugs I take actually seem to do something even if it doesn’t feel like it most days. I’m not really sure if that’s a comfort or a piss off at the moment. It just is what it is, I suppose.
No matter what it all is or how it is, it’s all put me in a really foul funk. Which means using some unhealthy coping mechanisms on occasion to just…not deal with it all.
Now I remember the picture being taken, but not too much after that. Ya see, liquid goes down nice and smooth even though it might wreak some havoc once it’s down there if it’s the kind I had in that glass (and on it’s way back up… yea). I managed to roast a turkey, mash some potatoes and function the rest of the night (and vent like an angry mean drunk later in the evening)…Apparently alcohol IS the solution, obviously just not a very good permanent one.
I have to be particularly careful when it comes to drinking in excess, not only because physically it can do horrific damage even to a healthy body (which I don’t have) but because the after effects of binge drinking can have major effects on mood/mental disorders like anxiety and depression. While a night feeling flighty and fancy free is great for a release from those grips, it always comes back to bite me in the ass. Usually for this exact reason I am much more careful about how much and how fast I drink and definitely making sure that the meal comes BEFORE the margaritas…
The fact that I’m mentally more tolerant to unhealthy coping mechanisms is a warning sign that I’m not doing well. Along with a few other telltale signs as well. I’m not sure yet if it’s ‘the darkest before dawn’ part of S.A.D. that is taking hold along with the everything else making this end of winter particularly brutal or if some of life’s complications really are complicated enough to require some permanent changes around here…only time will tell, and because of my mental illness and my worsening physical state I don’t think I’m in any condition to be making decisions wisely at the moment anyways.
Just because big decisions can’t be made and life altering changes shouldn’t be handled at the moment doesn’t mean healthier coping mechanisms can’t be used to try and free out of this funk a little. With Monday a stat holiday and the Mr.’s last day home I took advantage and dared to attempt a drastic but healthy change….you know me right?
Now normally I try and not look undead before a camera lens catches a glimpse but even straight out from under the faucet I was pretty impressed with the vibrant new ‘me’, even if it was all ON my head. A valuable use of a hangover day and a welcome distraction from everything that was going on IN my head. With my physical limitations especially getting worse in my hands and shoulders, doing my own hair has become an all day, labor intensive affair.
Now that that’s all over and done with I get 3 days of quiet reflection all to myself. Mr. Bigshot is off at a conference for work and it’s just me and the 3 Mango spawn here at the homestead for the week. Everyone that has been let in on this little tidbit somehow thinks this puts me at some disadvantage… How exactly? I just have one less human to clean up after for a few days, I don’t really see the problem. If there’s an emergency I know how to call 911.
Honestly apart from the fact that it’s just plain weird sleeping alone I really don’t mind the peace and quiet in the evenings, the lack of tension building because of all the bullshit caused by ‘silence’ while he still was here or the fact that there’s no power play with the kids constantly.
I can make myself a plate of pasta with spinach and as much fresh grated parmesan as I can stand, sit in bed and play Runescape till the wee hours and watch chick flicks just because I want to and it effects no one else.
Maybe not taking this time alone to think more about things to come and the long scheme isn’t the healthiest approach either, but it’s what I need at the moment and I’m going to take full advantage of the time I have (considering in reality most of the day is still full of tiny footsteps, meal prep, cleaning and just basic mommy duties as usual). Living in the moment and enjoying the parts of being alone I don’t get often is about the best thing I could imagine I could be doing with this bit of ME time I’ve been given.