About Ms Mango · Life · The Pit

Those 10 seconds…

Those 10 seconds you save leaving your garbage on the counter, your coffee cup on the end table, your rolled up socks on the bedroom floor, your dirty plate on the  dining table, your paperwork spewed around the home and that wet towel STILL sitting in the middle of the floor…

They may save  you tiny moments of every day to ignore, but they add up on top of everything else I have to try and accomplish to be HOURS of repetitive, mind-numbing and often painful ‘duties’. Even if in pristine health, I am not your maid, slave Mommy (even the kids clean up after themselves more!) I am your spouse, I’m supposed to be your partner. I would probably have the energy and willpower to say it to  your face. Instead no, I am weak, tired and sore. You know this.  You have been to my doctors, you have seen my struggle with medications, flare ups, increased pain and stiffness and the mental and physical toll it is all taking. You have the audacity to complain that housework has fallen behind…but between managing my illness and taking time making up for extra time for every second you save, I don’t have time for much else.

Those 10 seconds you waste pouring yourself ANOTHER drink, watching another silly GIF, texting a ‘friend’, tagging me in a thoughtless Facebook meme, calling out “show me your boobs” to be funny, griping that you need to start working out, complaining about how nobody does anything at work, telling the kids to go away because you’re tired/busy…

Those seconds add up to be evening after evening of nothingness. You have a partner who feels used, misunderstood and neglected. You have 3 beautiful children growing up right in front of you. You are so busy doing nothing while we (your loved ones) are here waiting for you to spend those oh so valuable seconds really with us. I know my illnesses make life extra stressful and we need an escape once in a while, but it also means I cannot do things for our kids that I used to be able to (and I shouldn’t be the only one anyways). I can’t separate lego or zip up difficult play clothes, from the beginning I was never really good with cars, hell on a bad panic day I can’t even discuss solar systems without a mental freak out and having to leave. You know this and you know someone should be there to do these things. What if not all these seconds were wasted?

Those 10 seconds I spend quickly wiping off tears behind the bathroom door…are added to many many more.

Our slip into this lengthy disconnect is a  large collection of misused ’10 seconds’ strung together. I spend more time crying than I care to even try to recall and the fact that my  physical pain along with anxiety keep me up at nights only gives me more time to think and grieve for the relationship that we once had. I place a lot of blame on myself for becoming this feeble and ill version of who I used to be. The strong, intelligent, quick witted, adventurous woman you fell in love with is hollowed out and I’m the shell who’s left. Then again the man who comes home from the office every evening to spend the night glued to his rocking chair and smartphone isn’t the man I used to know either. You’re an echo of the once loud and proud, spontaneous and lovable metal head I met 8 years ago today.

All those 10 seconds….could mean 8 years wasted…

No I’m not spewing out an ultimatum or  trying to dramatically commit to  THE END on our anniversary. Hell, you’re not even going to see this, are you. I am saying that if this keeps up that the hope of our relationship recovering will be lost. We only have so many chances, so many ’10 seconds’ before enough is enough and the damage really is done. Are we there yet? Fuck if I know. I can tell you though, that if I DID know for sure, I wouldn’t still be here. I don’t have time, energy or strength for a lost cause. My biggest worry, is that you just don’t care. You have many a 10 seconds you save, many a 10 seconds to waste and so fucking many 10 seconds of mine you just refuse to see.

 

The ‘next’ 10 seconds…I guess we’ll see…

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4 thoughts on “Those 10 seconds…

  1. Awww I get all that … and I have no awesome advice for yah (other than sweep his shit into one corner and leave it there! )
    … But, If I could, I’d come clean up with you … 1. because i enjoy cleaning (i know … weirdo) and 2. so we could sit down and have a drink afterwards … and then we can set up booby traps at all the areas where he dumps his shit (I’m thinking bear traps 😉 ) …

    Liked by 1 person

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