At the beginning of the month when the holiday season really started to get buzzing and the busy really kicked into gear, I made a deal. I told myself that if I just was able to get through it all (Buddy’s birthday, Yule, Christmas and all the get-togethers, cooking, baking, shopping and still manage all the regular stuff too) my body, mind and whatever else could just fucking give up and take it all out on me AFTER it was all said and done with.
Now you may think I’m crazy (I probably am) or that I’m trying to pull your leg, but I shit you not…. I think mind over matter actually worked and even through some near ER trips, close calls and a lot of really shitty symptoms I managed to stay….functional (?)…you could probably say too functional.
You could argue I would have been better off giving in and staying in the hospital for observation. I didn’t NEED to bake cookies, I didn’t NEED to wrap the gifts, or make 8 trips into the city, or tackle a last minute Napoleon torte, or…the list goes on (you could ask Mr. Mango, he has a running count and he’s pissed ‘I’m dying’ right now). The point is I stupidly did it all and now it’s time to pay the piper.
I’d probably be a little more concerned with how severe EVERYTHING is right now if I could actually think and/or feel clearly at the moment. It’s just a lot to take in and a lot to handle. If it were up to me I just would have stayed in bed and tried to sleep away the day…but no I had to be informed that the first and foremost female role model in my life had sadly passed away this morning. Fuck.
To make matters worse, my doctor isn’t in this week, there’s a blizzards worth of snow between us and the city that we’re not making it through again and there’s no way I have the energy to explain my complicated case to a different small town doctor that I haven’t had the displeasure of dealing with yet. Not that I really think anything can be helped at this point, at least until my test results come back… but more red stuff out each end, fainting spells and an intolerance to anything solid still, can’t be good (and can’t just be the flu making things worse for a little anymore like I’ve been telling the parentals).
I’ve also managed to accumulate a new symptom where my arms go numb and sends shooting pain through my shoulders if I hold my hands above heart level for any more than a couple seconds. I’m assuming this goes along with the other nerve related shit that hasn’t been figured out. Obviously it’s yet another thing I have to add to the list to talk about on Monday when I head in for an emergency new year appointment with GP.
Right now I’m sitting in front of my space heater with my giant cup of water, maxed out on pain meds in my giant new comfy plaid house coat, waiting for Mr. Mango to ‘help me’ make waffles in our new Belgian waffle maker that I’ve hinted for, for months (risking a whole host of digestive issues….worth it at this point for how long this craving has lasted).
My pain and my discomfort are high and at the moment it doesn’t feel very worth it…. but looking over pictures of the Christmas day festivities and catching glimpses of the kids enjoying all their goodies and the glimmer in their eyes at all the little magical moments we planned and managed to pull off…I can’t say I regret it. My family is going to have some amazing memories and that’s really all I wanted in the first place.
I sincerely hope everyone else out there is having an amazing and pain free (or as pain light as possible) holiday season. xoxo