I’m terrified

It’s really hit home that tomorrow we’re heading back into the OR for scope attempt number two. I’m pretty sure if attempt number one went as planned and this was just a repeat for extra tests, I’d be pretty alright (apart from the gnawing hunger, stomach pains as usual and….soon to be the feeling that my insides are being dragged out) but in general I would feel like “OK, I’ve got this, we’ve gotten through this before.” Like any of the other medical procedures that at first seemed daunting and now are a piece of cake.

The only problem is, last time NOTHING WENT AS PLANNED OR PROMISED and all I recall is PAIN, PAIN LOTS OF PAIN…oh and the complete ignorance, lack of respect and lack of proper care from the hospital staff there. Sure…. add that to some heightened general anxiety and I’m feeling like I should be getting my ass back there….NOT!!

I anticipate that today is going to go by slow….like watching each grain of sand fall in the hourglass slow. That I will have every individual second to be in pain, fidgety and worried. Here alone with Little Dude, who by the way is fascinated with other peoples bathroom habits…so at least he’ll be entertained.

It’s one thing to be able to distract yourself from needless worry or at least anxiety about something long in the future (I’ll have time to fuss about it late), its not quite as possible with something so imminent. The pain while unfortunate I can handle, the uncomfortable fact that a tube is going to be shoved down my throat and up my anus, I can also handle that. The fact that I’m leaving my body, health and well… life in the hands of a medical staff whom I have judged to be completely incapable….now that’s really where the problem is.

I’m worried they’ll mess up again and we’ll be back where we started…AGAIN, or worse, it’ll be a bigger different mistake and who knows. As it is it’s pretty scary being practically naked, ass up at a bunch of strangers and being told “hey sit tight, we’re just gonna do a bunch of uncomfortable things to you for 40 minute.” Even if it goes well, and the medical team are awesome, it’s no walk in the park. It is downright terrifying not trusting that team to do their job right, but still being expected to go with the flow and follow their procedures and TRUST that this time will be different…better.

I know my anxiety plays a part in probably making it seem even worse and more daunting than it is…but hey my anxiety is a diagnosed part of my giant medical file, it’s part of who I am as a person and as a patient, I have to deal with it…they have to deal with it….maybe if I flip the fuck out and pull a “my mother” they’ll actually have to sedate me properly this time, haha….yea a bad sense of humor is usually my go to in situations like this.

Well it’s time for me to start on my cup an hour of liquids ( the black coffee Mr. Mango made this morning before he left doesn’t count…and its crap anyways) and I’m going to blast some music while packing my hospital bag before its toilet time. or I become to terrified to concentrate.

Wish me luck and good nurses!



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