At the tail end of snow day number 1 I got the long awaited phone call. A cancellation had occurred and there was an opening next Wednesday for me to come in and have a repeat attempt done for my two scopes. I was ecstatic… the bitching that the primary doc had done (just on Monday) must have paid off, because they had been dragging their asses since middle of October about rescheduling my apparently “urgent” procedures. That is I was ecstatic until reality set in.
I have to go through this all again and I still don’t know if it’s going to be any better. If you remember the last time I went to that place and let them shove a tube up my backside it didn’t fucking go so well. It was a fucking shit show (actually not so much…. my prep worked really well and wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected you can read about first time through colonoscopy preparation here) and now I have to go there again knowing how horribly they handle complications and difficult scenarios and just trust that it’s going to be different/ better.
The thing is. I don’t have any fucking choice. My gut is getting worse and taking a look at the whole length of it from the inside really and taking the biopsies is the only way to determine what might be the problem. Until then it’s only speculation based on symptoms and that isn’t enough to really start a course of action, so we’ve been at a standstill for months.
I spent snow day number two (yea the whole household was home again on Wednesday due to more blizzard action…) on the phone with the hospital trying to get some more details and by the afternoon when the roads were at least treacherous and not impossible to drive on, we made our way to the lab so I could have those vampires suck all my blood out for the pre-op testing. Apparently I won’t just be taken at my word that the Mr. has had a vasectomy and that I’ve been monogamous (seriously, does it look like I have time and energy to get knocked up by the pool boy on the side?).
I just have to keep telling myself it’s going to be different this time. They’ve confirmed an anesthesiologist is actually going to be there and they’ve used the words ‘general anesthesia’ often and not just ‘twilight sedation’ or ‘mild sedative’ like last time (while still claiming it was a full knock out). I am having a hard time trusting the nursing staff at their word though, no matter how many times they say it…after last time being proof that just because you say something doesn’t make it true. Last time was also proof enough that they really don’t bother to listen to their patients. A problem when you’re a unique case like mine.
I just have to trust that despite all that and the fact that the experience could rival some of the other worst moments in my life (and most painful, at least childbirth gave me my kids and I still think that was more comfortable) I have to be willing to go through it all again. If there’s any chance in hell that this process will get some answers, then it must be done. That’s it. Lupus is one hell of a complicated disease and its manifestations are sometimes (most of the time) hard to pinpoint and diagnose, I am hoping that whatever this is, shows itself….