One thing about being all mentally messed up and emotionally self bamboozled is I spend a lot of time playing catch up on my own life. I go through the motions of all the daily obligations and necessities, I somehow manage through the times when it all seems to be falling apart and I can plaster a smile on to fake it through the big ‘event’ moments so that we can be a close happy family taking part in all life has to throw at us. It’s just that a lot of it doesn’t sink in right then in the moment. It feels almost as if it’s not me living my life, I’m watching it being played out by someone else, helpless to make an effect. Going through the motions and catching up on all the”E”motions later on…or not at all.
The two main problems here are A) I become a really shitty decision maker and B) family function becomes an obligation and therefore usually…at least my part in them kind of sucks.
When depression isn’t taking over, I’m a pretty decisive person, and a perfectionist to boot, so not only am I pretty confident in my decision making but I put a lot of effort into making the right one in the first place (especially on the big things). When my brain is a muddled mess of grey mush…not so much. I really FEEL like I don’t care, even when I do and that can be overwhelming at times, which pushes the depression deeper. I feel like I can’t make decisions or like if I do, it will obviously be the wrong one.
I think that’s part of the reason family time and events suffer. I’m usually the planner and ‘follow-through-er’ of the birthday parties, Christmas eves, Valentines days, Halloweens etc from figuring out what we’re going to do, to the food, to decorations. So when my head isn’t making the big decisions properly…it just isn’t making the little ones at all. “What we going to eat?” “I dunno…” “What we going to do?” “I dunno…” You get the idea. Which all worked fine for my own birthday….but at some point after the fact it does end up eating me up inside that I let that happen for Mr. Mango’s or for Halloween this year. Maybe not completely….but it’s still a right piss off.
Still somehow we managed to pull some kind of festive weekend off. I’m not exactly sure how I’ll be quite honest, especially since before doing some appliance shopping on Sunday we only had our oven working on high broil and I manage to not only manage broiling some hamburgers but also baking buns AND a batch of Winnipeg Jets black forest cupcakes (a variety on Mr. Mango’s favorite desert is a yearly tradition for his birthday).
I guess broken oven works for me (goes with the broken brain I guess) since these were some of the best burgers I’ve ever put together, I mean I put up with real solid food for a day just to have em! On top of that from what I’ve been told about the cupcakes from the kids and the Mr.’s co-workers, I need to print out a recipe and make up some instructions on how to bake on broil, everyone wants more.
Even though apparently I had learnt to deal with the thing, Mr. Mango was convinced it was a good time to start looking around for a new stove/oven . While I knew he was probably right (he was COMPLETELY right of course… what was I thinking! I bake 4-6 times a week at least for the family), like I mentioned earlier I was in no condition to be making big decisions and had no interest in the nonsense that comes along with big ticket shopping…that or the big wide world of online used sites. It was utter hell. Mixed in with some hair dye and pumpkin guts.
Since my hands are no good for any hard labor at the moment and Mr. Mango no longer trusts me with a knife, my involvement in the pumpkin massacre of 2016 was rather small. I took some pictures and enjoyed watching the kids come up with their sketches. My highlight was watching Little Dude thoroughly Giv-er to ‘The Witch Doctor’ when it came on. Man that kid can dance!
While they were all busy, I opted to throw some coloured goo into my almost white locks. Again a decision I did have some trouble making. I had almost picked up a box of golden blonde toner…until I thought to myself “self…in a few weeks you’re going to look back on this and wonder what the hell were you thinking.” In the end, I make decisions for myself right now like I’m someone else….What would I normally do/want/choose? So that’s what I did. I know a couple months ago I had planned to continue on with the lights and brights and fun. There is no ‘normal’ in my near future…hair or otherwise I suppose.
With one smallish decision down and both Mr. Mango’s birthday bash and the pumpkin party kind of sucesses it was time to commit to range shopping and get it overwith. After much humming and hawing and honestly in the end just becoming asshole customers, we ended up coming home from the big city with a new appliance. I gotta say…so far no regrets (on either front 😉 ).
Other than oh my fucking ugh does it cost a lot to replace those things! But hey, at least it works well, that’s the point right?
All of that done and out of the way and we finally got to concentrate on the kids and their trick or treating. It was a huge bummer that it rained ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT but boy our little minions were troopers. My shoulder had torn later on Sunday so I was even more useless than usual with getting them ready, set and able to go but apart from some super hero jumps (and falls) from the boys they were accident free and in little need of support and carrying from us parentals. With the bad weather and I’m assuming a lot of people heading in early or opting to go to the malls or indoor venues, our little ones made it out with a pretty darn big haul. They had a blast and I’m happy to say I actually got to enjoy watching them have fun through some of it. There is hope still!
It’s funny going through pictures and reliving my own memories like I didn’t’ actually live through them. Maybe more so during times like this when so much happens in one quick time span on top of feeling disconnected and like it’s all fake. It’s reassuring though in a way. My family still seems happy, hell I even pull off looking happy and memories are made and the time isn’t wasted.