Normally this is my favorite time of year. Not because I like ‘this time of year’ aka the getting darker, colder and gloomier, but because Halloween is our families favorite party time and Samhain has always been one of my favorite holidays. Putting the two together has always been kind of awesome. Not to mention finding myself a spouse who happens to have an end of October birthday to throw in that mix was just the perfect icing on the cake…
But there will be no cake this year….because our oven fucking broke (something I found out while trying to preheat it for the family’s supper last night).
The hits just keep on coming and this felt like the final blow. Over this last week it just seems like if it’s not one thing, it’s another random thing breaking, stressful phone call coming in, school emergency, trouble at work etc. and I was already ready to clock out and hand in the towel. It’s been a couple weeks at least now of just going through the motions with a fake smile and hoping to not add any more stress by being called on it.
Individually, all of these things would be manageable to someone who isn’t already worn too much to function. The problem when my brain stops working in anxiety mode and just hits the pit of despair with handling every day (and even not ‘every day’) kind of stresses is that I don’t freak out over them one little meticulous step at a time. I end up focusing on the all encompassing horror of a whole picture. A giant turbulent mess that feels completely out of my control. There is no beginning to start from and shit just keeps adding to it so there is no end in sight. I don’t know what to do and honestly I shut down enough that for the most part I manage to not be able to care.
While it may come off as a choice to Mr. Mango and others that may pick up on the shift of ‘attitude’ that’s gone on in the last month, I can’t stress enough that it’s not. If I could choose to shut off my anxiety and replace it with a calm cool exterior at will….I would. But I sure as hell wouldn’t just stay here in what feels like emotionless land either. It’s not that I DON’T care, I do. Internally it’s tearing me up something fierce. I don’t know what it is, or even how to begin explaining it. I just can’t do it all and I shut down and that’s it. The more stress that gets added, the harder it’s going to be to find a way out of this hell hole of darkness. I feel worthless, like my input into any of it is pointless, or will only make things worse.
The problem is under normal circumstances I’m the decision maker of the household and Mr. Mango is a piss poor substitute. I love the guy, but seriously…. he’s either indecisive as all get out or he makes big rash decisions in the heat of the moment ‘just to get it over with’ or to impulse buy and we usually end up cleaning up that monetary mess even worse than the original issue. While time/money management may not be his strong suits, he’s gonna have to figure it out sometime. It’s part of adulting and I’m not always going to be here capable of figuring it all out and when he expects me to when I’m like THIS, it only makes shit feel worse.
Normally he’s pretty understanding during depressive or high anxiety periods but I think sometimes he get’s forgetful that its so much more than a mood or attitude shift. It completely changes the function of how my brain works, my thought process, how I relay information and how I’m able to cope when overloaded. I’m not just a sad version of the every day me.
It’s a two way street. I know I can’t expect him to pick up and take over all the mental and emotional ‘work’ I handle day to day while I’m battling my inner demons and I honestly don’t want him to (what then would be a motivator to get better?). Still I don’t think it’s too much to expect that depressed or not, he plays a more active part in the adult decision making on a regular basis. Hell, maybe that’ll lessen the regular stress a tad and the overload on my crappy brain will be one less thing that tips the scale and sends me off into a breakdown.
I am preemptively preparing for a rough weekend. Most likely involving appliance shopping, financial arguments and even more plastered smiles for the camera while we pretend that celebrating the Man of the houses birthday and kicking off the Halloween festivities are natural and fun instead of just another thing we really aren’t in the mood to go through at the moment. I haven’t even factored in all the shit that’s physically going on.
All the while, maybe it’s my guts way of sabotaging the whole ordeal…secretly planning that if I can’t eat cake….no one can.