I distinctly remember dragging my ass out of bed in the early afternoon on weekends or during summer vacation during a lot of my teen years. Mostly…because I could. I could stay up until dawn doing whatever (within ‘rebellious reason’ or so I thought) I wanted and sleep in until my body was done catching up….and then do you know what? I could easily do it all over again.
Yes unfortunately at this point already there were times, patches we’ll say where a migraines, high anxiety or panic attack riddled moments interfered with staying up or sleeping in FOR FUN (you could even say I was getting a glimpse at the insomnia to come), but in general it was just normal teenage party hours.
Fast forward quickly to now. It’s hard to tell exactly what is causing more sleep problems, my brain or my body.It really doesn’t matter though. The combination of increased pain and inability to find a comfortable position (two different things!) along with an increase in panic episodes means no amount of sleep medication, meditation, stretching, or any other ‘prep work’ is going to really do enough. The lack of sleep…makes the pain exponentially worse and makes a lot of the pain relief options either not as effective (medications, hydration, alternative therapy like the TENS machine) or not doable like exercise or getting outside for a distraction because I’m just too damn tired and depressed
It’s a pretty obvious “DUH” to add that the less sleep I’m getting throughout the night results in a lot more difficulties waking up when it’s finally time (that is if finally getting to sleep actually ever happens….). On a lot of days the 40 minutes or so between when Mr. Mango leaves for the gym/work and when my alarm go off is the only time real sleep actually happens. Not just wavering semiconscious tossing and turning. That precious 40 minutes though doesn’t always happen as needed. Unfortunately waking up happening IS the problem and that’s why it’s so hard to do. There’s that single moment where your brain catches on to your body once your eyes have opened and you realize you’re awake and all that pain and discomfort come rushing back. Another day has started…there is no getting back to sleep (if I managed to get some at all) the task now is to have to get up.
While I may vent often on my dislike of weekends and the fact that they usually mean more stress, more pain and just in general more negative shit going on… I have to admit that yesterday was the first morning in weeks where I managed to sneak getting up at tortoise pace. There was no strategic flop onto the floor sacrificing a knee or foot for the day in order to get the day started in a rush because the first 20 minutes were wasted trying to sit up without SI pain or putting pressure on a wrist that’s either numb and tingling or burning from being position strange. Mr. Mango was home and he got up at the first sound of wakened Mango Munchkins and left me in my little dent of pillow top to get up at my own leisure.
The problem is, I don’t need/want time getting up. I NEED SLEEP! I do love the sentiment, even if the real reason was to keep me occupied in ‘turtle pose’ while he was left unsupervised to play Arkham City for an hour with my pot of coffee.
Just one of these days though…