Life

I can’t believe it’s already _______ (fill in the blank)!

People talk about how time flies when you’re having fun, but man can it sure whizz by when you’re miserable too. September just seemed to last only a couple days (ones that felt long at the time of course). The long wait until my scopes and biopsies is now a short one and the preparation for the prep is beginning. The kids have already been in school a month and are talking about their Halloween costumes….and Christmas lists! Where has the time gone.

Emotionally I’m feeling a little more stable. I just needed my time to come to grips that at least for the foreseeable future, along with the increase in pain I’ve had during these longer flare ups, an increase in stiffness, a whole lot of weakness and an overall sense of being feeble have come along with it. It means that the things I’ve usually been able to do through the pain I can’t now because I am too weak or too stiff or too dizzy. Being the independent, feminist, control freak I am, it is incredibly difficult to accept that a lot has to change.

I need to find a constructive way to explain to Mr. Mango however that I don’t need him to replace me… for me. He doesn’t need to kneed home made dough when I can’t (we can buy bread). He doesn’t need to straighten my hair because my arms go numb above my shoulders, it’s Fall, messy buns are back in style right? He doesn’t need to do all the nit picky, control every part of every little thing stuff I do for myself, because I don’t hold anyone up to the same standards that I do myself. I think it’s safe to say that most of us don’t. Not only does it make him feel horrible that he can’t be me (yea he’ll never be a cook…no one can make my pizza dough like I can) but in general it makes both of us more stressed out that we have a hard time communicating over what he’s trying to accomplish in my place.

Will I need more help. HELL YES and I’ll ask for it. The last thing we need as Winter approaches and SAD season starts is something more adding to household stress.

With October here already, Thanksgiving (up here In Canada anyways) right around the corner, Halloween right after that and then yea… Yule/ Christmas. I’m planning on being a little more preemptive about Seasonal Affective Disorder crap. Every year it hits like a ton of bricks, different than a bout of ‘regular’ depression (not to say there’s anything normal about depression, only to make a distinction between the depression felt from SAD vs a depressive episode) and every year I kind of ignore the fact that it’s going to happen until it’s too late.

This year I’m not taking that risk, or at least I’m going to try my damnedest to take preventative measures against it doing more damage. I’m already more emotionally and mentally unstable than most Fall seasons. I love Summer and hate when it ends, but Samhain has always been one of my favorite celebrations and the fact that it coincides with the secular Halloween is just…. well pure awesome (it also means stores sell our kind of decor for a whole month and then it goes on clearance)! Usually I get so wrapped up in these events that I don’t realize how much of an effect the later dawns and earlier dusks have on me and by the time middle of November hits, I’m really feeling it.

This year I will be talking to the doc on upping the vit D once the time outside is even more cut down (or at least spent in a parka with only eyes showing) as well as changing out our living room, kitchen and bedroom light fixtures to be able to blast some light first thing in the mornings and slowly simulate dimming them later in the evenings to create a nice long day. It worked for our fish back in the day, who’s to say it won’t work for me. Before my lupus diagnosis and issues with photosensitivity, I had looked into a light box, but that might be out now. Either that, or bring on year round indoor sunscreen….

I know how bad seasonal affective disorder can be even when everything else is going right. There’s no way I want to add it at it’s worst on top of everything else that has piled up this year. I can’t believe it’s already October and we’re dealing with winterizing nonsense again, but if all goes well, at least we’ll be ready for it.

sad

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