Life · The Pit

I didn’t want to write this…

I wanted to write about how somehow despite everything going on lately, I have some strength and resilience left. I wanted to possibly give hope and inspiration to someone much like I was in the beginning, goodness knows I needed it then and I still need it now. I wanted to think positive and focus on the wonders life still has to offer. I wanted to concentrate on healing thoughts and words. I wanted to write from the heart and soul, from a place of clarity and understanding. I wanted to write something real about what my life is like  at its worst with chronic illness, while still being able to remain somehow optimistic.

I just can’t.

I can’t blame illness and pain completely, there is a shit ton of stuff going on around here completely unrelated that is adding to the stress load. Things like speeding tickets, cancer scares, leaky hot tubs, credit card theft, skeezy contractors and cranky kids all add up and  take their toll. Life being hard can make health worse, and poor health can sure make some parts of life more difficult. It’s a vicious circle and unfortunately it has a terrible effect on mental health most especially.

I don’t feel like I can do it anymore.

I don’t want to be a negative Nancy all the time. I don’t want to be riddled with panic attacks every night or general anxiety every day. I don’t want to come off as a bitch or a compulsive complainer. I don’t want to only focus on what I can’t fix or what won’t get better. I don’t want to put on a forced smile when I walk out the door and fake my way through multiple “I’m fine”s and “I’m sorry I can’t make it”s. I don’t want my kids to grow up with a sick mother and I don’t want my partner to have to put up with a sick spouse. I don’t want to feel like this every day for the rest of my (statistically much shorter) life. I don’t want to live like this.

Oh well.

“I wanted to write something real about what my life is like at its worst with chronic illness, while still being able to remain somehow optimistic.”

I survived yesterday. So far I’ve survived today. In all likelihood, I’ll survive tomorrow. I’m not giving up, I’m not giving in and eventually I’ll get to writing that positive post. For now it may not look like true optimism, but a realistic take on the survival instinct and simply soldiering on through it all is better than nothing.

 

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6 thoughts on “I didn’t want to write this…

  1. Sometimes shit gets gloomy and we can’t help that, sometimes it lasts way longer than we think it should, and sometimes we’re so sure if one more thing goes wrong our heads will literally explode. Just surviving is admirable and no matter how much life “hurts”, I’m always amazed when I come out on the other side. I feel I’d be doing a disservice to other people with poor health if I didn’t write candidly about my experiences and how they make me feel. Don’t worry about telling it like it is, it makes the rest of us negative Nancy’s feel a little less alone. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess I should feel welcome to the “Nancy Tribe” then. Maybe I’m adjusting to being more truly negative than I used to be and I feel awful being honest about it. Especially when I know others are struggling with their own shit. Speaking of which, I saw your check in but your site pops up private so couldn’t say anything. I hope with whatever happened MC is handling it all well and that you and his team of medical professionals are able to get him whatever physical and mental health help he needs (no matter what his rents think or feel). I also hope you are coping well, it must be taking it’s toll on you, not only pushing the date and dealing with more waiting, but having to be the ringleader through all of this. I’m sure you’re having quite a few crisis and chaos moments of your own. Take care of yourself. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No one listens to what I say, so I haven’t got much accomplished. They’re trying to take off today or tomorrow, but I’ve got a pile of my own stuff to deal with before I can leave the area (5 specialty referrals, referral to a network dialysis center, refills/renewals, etc). I’ve adapted so well to my circumstances that they all assume I’m “better”, but whenever I’m behind a closed door, I’m crying from frustration and exhaustion. I was just barely holding it together while coping with my own situation, so this is a bit too much for me. I’m sure I’ll get through (er, I hope), but it is extremely difficult.

        I admit I feel a little guilty that I’ve been writing nothing but pessimistic crap for what seems like months, but I think doing so may be the one thing that keeps me on even ground mentally. Which is to say, you aren’t alone. Maybe we should institute a dark comedy day? It may be negative, but at least it’s funny! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Maybe we can make up for it by trying to have a positive humor day too, it’ll all even itself out in the end? Even if it doesn’t an attempt at some yin and yang probably isn’t such a bad idea with how much shit we end up going through.

          Liked by 1 person

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