I wanted to write about how somehow despite everything going on lately, I have some strength and resilience left. I wanted to possibly give hope and inspiration to someone much like I was in the beginning, goodness knows I needed it then and I still need it now. I wanted to think positive and focus on the wonders life still has to offer. I wanted to concentrate on healing thoughts and words. I wanted to write from the heart and soul, from a place of clarity and understanding. I wanted to write something real about what my life is like at its worst with chronic illness, while still being able to remain somehow optimistic.
I just can’t.
I can’t blame illness and pain completely, there is a shit ton of stuff going on around here completely unrelated that is adding to the stress load. Things like speeding tickets, cancer scares, leaky hot tubs, credit card theft, skeezy contractors and cranky kids all add up and take their toll. Life being hard can make health worse, and poor health can sure make some parts of life more difficult. It’s a vicious circle and unfortunately it has a terrible effect on mental health most especially.
I don’t feel like I can do it anymore.
I don’t want to be a negative Nancy all the time. I don’t want to be riddled with panic attacks every night or general anxiety every day. I don’t want to come off as a bitch or a compulsive complainer. I don’t want to only focus on what I can’t fix or what won’t get better. I don’t want to put on a forced smile when I walk out the door and fake my way through multiple “I’m fine”s and “I’m sorry I can’t make it”s. I don’t want my kids to grow up with a sick mother and I don’t want my partner to have to put up with a sick spouse. I don’t want to feel like this every day for the rest of my (statistically much shorter) life. I don’t want to live like this.
“I wanted to write something real about what my life is like at its worst with chronic illness, while still being able to remain somehow optimistic.”
I survived yesterday. So far I’ve survived today. In all likelihood, I’ll survive tomorrow. I’m not giving up, I’m not giving in and eventually I’ll get to writing that positive post. For now it may not look like true optimism, but a realistic take on the survival instinct and simply soldiering on through it all is better than nothing.