I haven’t disappeared for reals. Just online (other than running Youtube or Spotify almost constantly, day in day out). I’m behind on my house work, my child rearing, my gaming and my blog.
It’s not that I’m uninterested in my usual life, or that I’m too sick and tired to keep up with the usual. It’s quite the opposite actually. I’m a busy bee tearing down our old and building our new deck. With Mr. Mango working full time it’s either I get this shit done or it’ll take all summer to finish. With the contractors still coming in and out all day, jack hammering through our living room floor, I appreciate not being cooped up with all that going on anyways
When I first started I felt great. The new dosage of the Planquenil definitely seems to hinder a new flare from really starting (though not enough to push me into remission) and the new sleeping meds help knock me out enough that the pain only wakes me or keeps me up half of the time (which compared to before is a HUGE deal). On doctors strict advisement I’m taking my old ‘breakthrough’ medications on schedule as well. I’m sure that’s the only reason I’m still upright and able to hold anything. Well that and some pretty fucking intense resolve.
I am no longer excited, or nervous or even cautious. I am angry and driven and absolutely pushed to my physical and mental limits (probably over them). As of now I have enough random injuries to compete with the usual aches and pains from the lupus, migraines and IBS. As Mr. Mango was helping with some tough beams, I stepped on a board with 3 nails in it that hadn’t been hammered down yet. Strike one. The day after I twisted the same ankle after refusing to use the crutches because they killed my hands which I needed to work the drill. Strike two. Now my hands are riddled with blisters from changing bits AND the worst case of dyshidrotic eczema I ever remember having. Strike three.
Am I out?
If things go as planned things should be coming to completion by the end of the week. Just in time for my CT scan, ultrasound and possible biopsy on Friday. At the very least it hopefully means that before its guaranteed I’m on bed rest and liquids only, things will be finished enough that Mr. Mango can get the final touches done.
I’m aware at the end of this I’ll be down for the count and that it’s probably my resolve alone that has kept me mentally able to continue on through the pain and the stress (considering everything but the deck seems to be falling apart around me). I’ll get this done. It’ll be finished, and I’ll still be here.