I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been a rather Negative Nancy over the last few days. The lack of sleep, the risk of going out and getting fresh air, not to mention the whole family is down with a spring sniffle so its grumps all around.
My mind, my body, my emotions have all been all over the place. Every time I think I have a handle on things a new symptom appears or I have a light bulb moment and realize holy shit, there is one more area of my life that’s gonna be effected.
Yesterday was one of those days when I pushed too hard. I knew I was doing it and I did it anyways. Fuck you LUPUS! You don’t control my life!!
I smeared on my sun screen over ever tiny bit of showing skin, put my hat on, grabbed my coat and gloves, got the Little dude ready to go and off we went with the stroller. We stopped by the nursery and picked up a ton of transplant pots for my own little babies that are already too big for their little cells as well as Little Dude insisted on some garden gems with a moon. Then we continued on.
After almost an hour out of the house it was finally time to tell Little Dude the hard truth, that it was time to stop singing ‘Jesse’s Girl’ on repeat and we stuck on some tunes. We walked on jamming to a mix of Willie Nelson, Bob Marley and some o Zakk Wylde’s acoustic stuff.
Any time we go out for a walk with time to spare the kids ask to go to the ‘dead end’. On the other end of town past the campground is a road leading to some of the oldest homes in town and an amazing view of the lake. It’s especially nice during the summer months when most of the town is bustling with tourists to head somewhere quiet (Even if it is called DNR road… it’s a little eerie, like Rob Zombie could write a movie script about some of the run down places along here).
We made it to the end and I was actually a little surprised to find that this area of the lake still has some remaining ice still melting away. Just a month ago there would have been at least a dozen ice fishing shacks on the horizon. Spring seems to take so long to come, and then all of a sudden BAM it’s beach weather!
Right here is proof that I have to return to this spot in the near future. It has been a long standing tradition in my family for my father to get my Omi (Grandmother) Pussy-willow bows for Mother’s Day. Last year when I returned to prune some I was too late (second Monday in May) this year it looks like I’ve caught them right at the perfect time. My father is across the world taking a course in Biblical landscapes so that leaves it to me to keep the tradition going.
While I would have grabbed some right then and there and had it done, these suckers are actually really strong. Even the able handed Mr. Mango had a hard time last year and had to give up trying to grab one tiny branch. Back with the van and some pruning sheers we will go.
After a quick (and by that I mean as fast as my hobbly sore legs could carry me) stop at the school to pick up the older two just in the nick of time, we headed home. Little Dude and Princess put their ‘plant diamonds’ by the one thing they saw actually growing in the yard already. Those are some lucky chives.
FINALLY sitting down!
It was a very long afternoon. The pain set in the second I sat, my feet burned like I had been walking the whole time on hot sand. My wrists ached while also becoming numb, pushing the stroller definitely has it’s disadvantages just as much as pulling the wagon. My back felt like I had bruises running up my spine and my head was pounding. WTF had I done.
Ain’t that the truth.
I’m glad I got to the nursery, it’s closed during hours Mr. Mango is home. I’m glad Little Dude and I got out for a bit (and that my skin didn’t burst into flames). I’m not so glad after the fact that I pushed that hard.
I’m torn between wanting to still feel like my old self and trying to adapt to my new chronically ill self. The way I see it is at least I haven’t given up. It may make me feel negative a lot of the time, the grieving process may be taking a lot longer than I would have expected (I now expect it to always be there in one way or another) but I still try and make it through.
I don’t think I’ll ever be great at the balance thing, but I sure as heck aim to try a little harder.