Life · Uncategorized

Only one little pink line.

I mentioned in one of my daily diary posts (that have turned more into weekly sum ups) that I was getting a tad concerned with the possibility of being pregnant. Both because physically and mentally I don’t feel capable of handling that AND the fact that Mr. Mango has had a vasectomy because we are done, 3 is enough.

Technically 1 was enough when we found out after my third miscarriage (1 before Buddy and 2 after) that I was supposedly unable to hold a pregnancy (or get pregnant at all). Then 2 was enough when a short 30 days after that, we were pregnant with Princess. The news hit with Little Dude when much like recently I just felt off and had missed  a period and to our shock and awe, it was indeed true. We definitely didn’t plan it and were done with 2 but now with 3 we couldn’t imagine it any other way.

I had taken a total of 8 home pregnancy tests (for Little Dude and Princess 2 each just to be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks) and all of them were positive. Two little pink lines. Proof that life was about to change. Even when dealing with a miscarriage, that initial feeling up until something goes wrong, is completely the same.

Due to the fact that we’ve never planned to get pregnant, all 3 have been surprises, and the last 2, down right miracles considering my health complications. I don’t know what it’s like to specifically HOPE for a positive test. I do however have a lot of practice with the emotions surrounding an unexpected one. The confusion, the disbelief, the fear and (even if it takes a bit) the joy.

Fast forward to now.

I voiced my concerns to Mr. Mango early this past weekend. I can’t even pretend to know what went through his head but he handled it well. At the very least he didn’t make a ridiculous insinuation about Pedro (my imaginary gardener that services my womanly needs while he’s at work, its a running gag we kid about often) being real or anything. Mostly he agreed that it is concerning and that even though he has been ‘fixed’, we’ve beaten the odds more than once somehow, it would be our kind of luck. I’m actually a little surprised he was so calm about it, I mean the idea of dealing with another pregnancy, complications and then the possibility of actually having another baby? I was going a little crazy.

To put our minds at rest we did decide to pick up one of the at home tests while we were out and about in town. Last night was rather nerve racking I’ll admit. We made some jokes and we did talk a little about what I know about our previous issues with pregnancy as well as what being diagnosed with lupus earlier this year would mean IF we ever did conceive again.

This morning I hobbled out of bed and to the bathroom as fast as I could, given the usual morning stiffness, and took the test.

Only one pink line. I double, triple, quadruple checked. Not even the tiniest faint sign of a second line. NOT PREGNANT.

I’d be lying if I said I felt complete relief. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I am not with child. I am relieved in a lot of ways and I don’t think my reason for not completely being happy about it has nothing to do with wanting to have another baby. I think now it just leaves more questions. For a woman my age completely missing not one but two periods in a row isn’t normal, especially when accompanying other symptoms (not explained by any of my already diagnosed illnesses or conditions). It most likely means more tests, more frustration and probably yet another doctor to see.

This is the first time I’ve taken a pregnancy test and had it be negative. I don’t have any other ones from my previously healthier years to base how I’m feeling on. Melancholy, maybe?

At the very least, its important to know before the next appointment when the labs are re-run and I get my second set of xrays (including my pelvis). It means I can tell the tech with complete confidence “no” when she asks for the 10th time in a row if I think I may be pregnant.

The rest of the day will probably be spent lost in thought, at least by me. Mr. Mango I think is  also relieved, in case you wanted to know. Though he did make his jokes about not getting to have a little Sepheroith or Cloud running around… My thoughts are don’t jynx it, home tests can be wrong rarely.

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