I’ve been struggling with how to put my feelings into words. Normally I’m pretty articulate, it’s easy for me to find the right words and communicate my feelings (the fact that generally I chose not to isn’t the point). On this topic however, I feel like I need to get it out but words just don’t come.
Let me just start by saying this isn’t an current concern. Mr. Mango and I have indeed had a very rocky road, especially in the beginning of our relationship. In our first few years we ran into more than a couple issues dealing with fidelity, monogomy and betrayal, it really was an uphill battle that both of us just happened to be stubborn enough push through. Now, years later it really feels like we’re enjoying the much ‘safer’ downhill stroll.
Like I said it isn’t a concern, but it is a sore spot and thinking about it or running into others dealing with it can be a huge trigger for my anxiety, depression and over all negative well being. I’d label it as ‘fear by association’.
Honestly I probably wouldn’t even be bothered with thinking about it if it hadn’t been for some really strange conversations with some old friends in the last month or so. Conversations that start off with the basic catch up of “How have you been? How are the kids?” How is *insert spouses name*?” and then some how turn into “Oh I remember you being such a hottie. I wish we had tried to make a go of it. Are you still with *insert spouses name*? Are you really happy with them? We should get together/hook up sometime?”
Here I’m thinking WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY!
It’s gotten to the point that Mr. Mango and I have started taking bets when an old male friend pops in to say hi, when the conversation is going to turn. I’m the hopeful one, I still believe I got a guy friend out there that will decide to pop in to say hello and chat about our new lives and not just to check if I’m single yet or at least unhappy and wanting to ‘have some fun’. He’s the skeptic, he assumes that really the only reason a guy would randomly want to catch up after years is for a hook up. So far, he’s been winning by a landslide.
The part that really irks me, isn’t that these dudes are interested, or even that they think I’m going to cheat (it really only matters that Mr. Mango and I both know I won’t), it’s that most of THEM are in relationships. I get it if a single guy wants to put out feelers and see if any of his old flames might still be available, but someone who is in a monogamous relationship doing it? Ugh, it just makes me so disappointed. Like, what the hell man!
Most of these guys are married with kids. Their social media profiles are littered with happy family photos, trips they’ve taken with their spouses and MEMEs about love and partnership, yet they’re chatting me up with that one purpose in mind.
Part of me has started feeling like it must just be normal then. That Mr. Mango and I are simply the lucky ones that dealt with this sort of shit right in the beginning among a ton of other turmoil. That every couple is doomed to at one point or another have a wandering spouse (or two).
Another part of me feels sorry for their wive and girlfriends. That these guys are playing some risky moves. I know how it feels to be betrayed and I know how they would/will feel when they find out what their man is up to.
The last tiny part of me, even if I don’t want it to, worries. Not for now, but for the future.
Before my chronic illness started effecting my everyday life, I would have never worried about infidelity being part of my future.
Mr. Mango and I have amazing communication about our relationship, desires, sex life and fidelity. If anything, we benefited from the past issues. Not by getting a joint facebook account and making sure we keep track of each others every move, but by talking about everything, being honest and trusting each other. Right now, as it stands our intimacy is great (even if having 3 kids under 10 means we aren’t physical as much or as spontaneously as we would like).
But what about 5 years from now? Or 10?
We’re young and so far my health conditions haven’t gotten in the way too much. At times when we do, we talk about it, compromise and move on. I still can’t help but wonder after this last month of dealing with all these taken guys with wandering libidos, if someday I won’t be enough.
Will a day come when my variety of chronic issues gets in the way of our emotional and physical intimacy and Mr. Mango will feel the need to get in some kicks elsewhere? How would I feel about it if I found out? Could I even be justifiably upset, if in fact he was seeking out something I wasn’t able to give him any longer? Would I feel guilty that being ‘stuck’ with a dud like me pushed him into something deceitful?
Truth be told, I’m probably over thinking it and worrying about the far future will do no good, just add more anxiety to the present, but it is something that I’ve been thinking about. It is a subject that upsets me, even if Mr. Mango is able to brush it off and laugh when we encounter yet another ‘old friend’.
Then again, I think about how lucky I am to have a man who will sit there and laugh about my luck with OTHER men, right there along side me. At the moment I have to concentrate on what is and leave behind the fear of infidelity. At least for now…