Today is finally here. For almost a year we’ve been looking forward to today, Mr. Mango and I. A couple of close friends just got back from their destination wedding and now are having a service and reception here to make it officially legal as well as to celebrate with those of us who were not able to make it to Jamaica.
While Mr. Mango is still super pumped and I’m trying not to ruin it, I’m a little worried. Actually scratch that, very worried. It is going to be a LONG day. Full of lots of uncomfortable sitting and standing, two of the things that exasperate my pain the most. I am still looking forward to the event no doubt, but one problem with chronic illness is that you ALWAYS have to be aware of what and what you can’t do, and the consequences that come with pushing too hard and doing too much.
I don’t want to look back on today and regret it. That’s what always happens when I convince myself “just this once, it won’t be too bad.” I choose to forget the consequences and live in denial land that this one time I can act normal and not worry and magically everything will work out fine.
It’s not magic, its borrowed spoons.
The other day Mr. Mango and I were talking and I was explaining something and used the term spoon, he questioned what I meant so I explained about the original Spoon Theory and he actually went and read the whole thing. In the story it explains that you CAN borrow spoons from the next day (or in my case it ends up being the next week) but that you probably SHOULDN’T.
Right now, while we slowly get prepared to go I am counting my spoons. I am concentrating on how many of today’s I’ll have before I run out and have to start borrowing from the days to come and what that might mean for the next week.
I am trying to find ways to cheat, ways to use less energy or skip non-important steps during the day to make the most of the moments that will make memories. Ways to make it through and not look sick or have to bow out to our hotel room and miss everything because I’ve already pushed too hard just to get there in the first place.
I remember looking so forward to our rare nights away from the kids, the nights we got to ‘adult’ and be out late, drink, PARTY.
Now I worry about borrowing spoons to just make it through.