Life · Uncategorized

Self confidence complications

I’ll be the first to admit, self confidence has never been a forte for me. I have always struggled with my personal image both on the outside and on the ‘inside.’

If it’s not one thing it’s another, and it’s constantly changing. Things I used to find as huge flaws, don’t seem as bad now. Things that I used to like about myself now bother me.

For the longest time it’s always about whats NEXT.

So I lost the baby weight, great, did it help me feel prettier? No, I hated having flared ribs and a more boxy shape. I needed to gain a butt and shrink my waist so I could look “curvy.”

So I learned how to cook and bake well, did it make me feel like a more adequate partner and mother? No, I need to also be the master at kids crafts, iron boards and home repairs.

The flaw isn’t in my skills or even my looks, it is in my attitude and it is something I am working on.

Enter chronic illness, pain and fatigue.

I couldn’t keep up with my perfectionist-control-freak nature when I was healthy, had energy and had time. There was no way I was going to even come close now that there were even more complications getting in the way.

I can’t exactly be worrying about my make up and hairstyle being flawless when I can barely manage my brush and a mess bun.

I can’t be irritated by having to make KD for the third time this week for the kids because my hands have decided to act like noodles and I can’t risk holding a knife.

I thought my self confidence was lacking back in high school when I thought my major concern was that I didn’t look as pretty and petite as the girls I envied. Now it really had hit an all new low.

While this kind of seems like a “woe is me” situation, I really have to say it has it’s positive effect. It’s not easy accepting that being perfect isn’t an option and that what I saw were traits and skills I wanted really weren’t important in the grand scheme of things. I am glad that I’ve been forced to change my views on who I am as a person and even what I look like.

Honestly now, I wish it was a lesson I had learned earlier in life so I wouldn’t have wasted so many healthy days, months and years on  feeling insecure about so many trivial things.

I’d be lying if I said my self confidence has increased after coming to grips with life and learning that humility and imperfections are ok, but it has changed my outlook.

Not taking the time to make myself look ‘ready to go out’ gives me time to do my physio so while I rock the mom look, I am able to walk better and without as much pain.

While having KD for supper makes me feel like I’m lacking as a homemake,r it’s quick, the kids love it and it gives me time and a little extra energy to read with my kids instead of spending the time prepping a home made meal.

Trying to concentrate on what I CAN do and what I DO have is now not just a smart option or an exercise in self love, it’s a necessity.

It is something I am working on every day. There are good days and there are bad days and I have to be ok with that. There are days when I still somehow feel like a rock star, like I really have my shit together. There are sometimes days that end with multiple “I give up”s and breaking down into tears because I feel worthless.

I am working on it.

I am CONFIDENT that somehow I will make it through and feel better about myself in the end. That in itself is saying something.

 

 

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