Yesterday was over all, a pretty decent day. I got a workout in, I had enough mental clarity to read a few books with Little Dude and Princess and I had little enough pain to actually enjoy sitting and talking around the table for supper (this has been a rarity lately between back/hip/shoulder pain and IBS symptoms).
I’ve come to realize though that whether it’s a good day, bad day or something in between I still feel the need to break down and cry. All my fears and insecurities flash before me while giant tears stream down to quiet sobs that are muffled by the sound of water hitting the shower curtain.
As a person with chronic back pain a nice hot shower has always been one of the highlights of the day, now it also seems to be my emotional refuge. The place I know they won’t see me and think I am at my worst, or worse still that it’s somehow their fault.
Maybe in the past, when I was more insecure about my mental issues I would have added this to the list of things I was ashamed of. It really isn’t. I think I need it. I think in it’s own way it is helping to relieve the constant emptiness that is slowly sinking back in. To actually FEEL it all for a moment. In every previous depressive episode this never happened, it was just a pit of despair, an empty whole with no escape. By the time it really would set in, it was too late to feel anything.
Maybe I’m wrong and I’m just slowly slipping into insanity or it’s a new manifestation of my panic attacks. I don’t really know. I’ll be honest, I don’t know my own mind that well, if we had a relationship status it would be “it’s complicated.”
Whatever the reason for it, it keeps happening. Behind the red door and the tropical fish curtain I have my daily momentary breakdown and it somehow feels like I need it to keep going.