Life · Uncategorized

My Momentary Breakdown… Daily

Yesterday was over all, a pretty decent day. I got a workout in, I had enough mental clarity to read a few books with Little Dude and Princess and I had little enough pain to actually enjoy sitting and talking around the table for supper (this has been a rarity lately between back/hip/shoulder pain and IBS symptoms).

I’ve come to realize though that whether it’s a good day, bad day or something in between I still feel the need to break down and cry. All my fears and insecurities flash before me while giant tears stream down to quiet sobs that are muffled by the sound of water hitting the shower curtain.

As a person with chronic back pain a nice hot shower has always been one of the highlights of the day, now it also seems to be my emotional refuge. The place I know they  won’t see me and think I am at my worst, or worse still that it’s somehow their fault.

Maybe in the past, when I was more insecure about my mental issues I would have added this to the list of things I was ashamed of. It really isn’t. I think I need it. I think in it’s own way it is helping to relieve the constant emptiness that is slowly sinking back in. To actually FEEL it all for a moment. In every previous depressive episode this never happened, it was just a pit of despair, an empty whole with no escape. By the time it really would set in, it was too late to feel anything.

Maybe I’m wrong and I’m just slowly slipping into insanity or it’s a new manifestation of my panic attacks. I don’t really know. I’ll be honest, I don’t know my own mind that well, if we had a relationship status it would be “it’s complicated.”

Whatever the reason for it, it keeps happening. Behind the red door and the tropical fish curtain I have my daily momentary breakdown and it somehow feels like I need it to keep going.

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2 thoughts on “My Momentary Breakdown… Daily

  1. Remember the movie, Broadcast News? The character played by Holly Hunter cried daily, scheduled cries. I didn’t get it then. Thought it was funny. I TOTALLY understand it now. I cry at least once a day, and yes, the shower is a spot I use. I think it rather healthy of us both! Carry on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I haven’t seen it in a long time, definitely have to re-watch now. It is a healthy thing I think, everyone needs a release and it’s even more important when you have trouble bottling it up. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!

      Liked by 1 person

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